20 Things Not to Say to Someone Leaving the Church

How to Ensure They Will Never Return

Image by Sammy-Williams from Pixabay

When I was a full-time pastor, it was always challenging to learn that someone had left the church. I know that selecting a church is based on personal preference, as some people like a small church over large, loud music over no music, and an outgoing pastor versus a reserved one. This is why there are so many different styles of church.

However, when someone would leave, I would wonder if the church did something wrong. Maybe there was an issue that I didn’t know about or understand. Had the staff or I made a mistake? Perhaps they didn’t know how hard everyone was working, or they didn’t see the good that was happening. Were they overly picky? What could I do to change their mind?

At that time in my journey, I believed that the church was helpful for everyone. I didn’t consider that it was God’s Spirit and their discernment leading them away from the church. Now, I realize the church is good for some, but it is an obstacle for others.

When I would engage in conversations with those leaving the church, I would try to convince them to stay. I believed I was acting out of a genuine concern for their well-being, but I often responded out of fear for the church and how it would reflect on me. Depending on my mood, sometimes I would ask lots of questions, become defensive, or try to debate them out of their position. When I was tired, I would fall back on overused cliches or things I had heard other Christians say when someone left.

I didn’t realize the significance of these moments or the impact of my words. Listening to those who have left the church, I see how church leaders and Christians create significant pain and heartache by what they say. Sometimes the most challenging part of leaving the church is living with the deep wounds from these interactions.

If someone is leaving the church, consider how you respond and stop saying the following or anything similar.

1. Is there a sin in your life that you need to confess? It sounds like you are giving way to temptation and worldly culture.
2. If you pray and read the Bible more, you will discover that leaving is wrong.
3. You are relying on your feelings and emotions, not God.
4. I fear for your salvation. If you cut yourself off from the church and the Eucharist/communion, you are cutting yourself off from God.
5. You shouldn’t judge the church or the people in the church. Remember, Jesus said, “Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged.”
6. As a church, we must obey God rather than people. We cannot change the church for you.
7. I will pray for you. (Said with a tone insinuating that hopefully, you will see the error of your ways.)
8. The cost of discipleship is high. Broad is the road that leads to destruction, and narrow is the way that leads to life. God rewards those who endure hardship.
9. You need to forgive and forget!
10. W.W.J.D. — What would Jesus do? It was Jesus’ custom to go to the Synagogue regularly.
11. The Bible says, don’t give up meeting together. Don’t forget Hebrews 10:24–25!
12. The church is about what you can contribute, not about what you receive. Strive to be a part of the solution, not the problem.
13. Don’t reject all the good over a bit of wrong. (Using some cliche, like “Don’t give up over a few bad apples.” or “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”)
14. I don’t see God in what you are saying. I think you are depressed.
15. How could you do this to your family and friends? They will be so hurt.
16. God told me to tell you: (hang in there, don’t give up, get over it, repent, etc.)
17. Your marriage or children will suffer if you leave the church.
18. Everyone has a faith crisis, and it is just a phase. You will be back.
19. Just don’t think about your questions, doubts, or issues with the church. It will get better with time.
20. I hope it doesn’t take a tragedy to bring you back to church.

When someone tells you they are leaving the church, please remember:

• God is bigger than your church. God is with them wherever they go.
• It’s not about you and your church. It is about their connection to the Divine.
• Assume the best. They are not crazy and might be right.
• Seek first to understand.
• Look in the mirror. Are you part of the problem? Is the church the problem?
• Communicate love and support. If you mean it, otherwise, don’t. It is easy to know when someone is faking it.
• Speak well of them or not at all. Imagine hearing that church leaders questioned if you were a Christian, warned others to be careful around you, and indicated that you had lost your way. Or the craziest one of all: when a “Christian” says that you need to be handed over to the evil one so you can see the error of your ways and return to God. Stop saying this shit! Just stop it.

Judgment, hatred, and shameful accusations confirm the need to get out of the church. Imagine what it would look like if leaving the church was a positive, encouraging, and life-giving experience. If it was, some might be tempted to return.

You May Also Enjoy:

After Leaving Church: What’s Important Now?

Preparing to Leave Church: Do You Have Everything You Need?

The First Step in Leaving the Church

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