Leaving Church and Entering the Wilderness
I Didn’t Think I Would End Up Here!
I Thought it Would Be Great to Leave!
Leaving the Church is hard, and this comes as a shock to many. After feeling the anxiety of being in the Church, they stop attending, thinking the stress will go away and they will be free. Initially, there is a release of pressure and newfound freedom. A couple of weeks after leaving the Church, they say, “This feels great. I love my weekends, and I don’t miss the drama of the Church!”
However, similar to the honeymoon period of a new relationship, the initial excitement begins to fade, and the reality of the changes and everyday life becomes apparent. A few months after leaving the Church, the excitement is gone, and they say, “I didn’t realize leaving would be so difficult. I am lonely, and I miss the routine of going to Church. I have lost touch with most people, and no one reached out to see how I am doing. I thought the relationships were stronger, but I guess I was wrong. I am hurt, and I am angry. I miss the music, the stained-glass windows, and receiving communion (the Eucharist). I found a sense of comfort or nostalgia in my routine. I am lost, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back, but the confusion is overwhelming.”
Entering the Wilderness
After leaving the Church, many of us find ourselves in a wasteland or personal wilderness, where the terrain in our life has shifted, and the territory is unfamiliar. We feel lost and confused. What used to make sense no longer makes sense. We are no longer comforted by the routines and beliefs that provided strength and support in the past. We are no longer where we were, but we have not arrived at a new location.
In this wilderness, we come face-to-face with many of our wounds, fears, and doubts. This is not an exhaustive list, but questions include:
- What’s my purpose? When I went to Church, I felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself. Now that I no longer connect with a larger group, what is my purpose, and what should I pursue? Where will I serve or use my skills and talents to help others?
- What if I am wrong? The Church told me that I was ‘right’ if I believed what they believed. They warned me that those who leave are in danger of crashing their life or their status in the afterlife. Maybe I am crazy for questioning the Bible, the Church, or my beliefs. If this is the right direction, then why do I have so many doubts?
- Who am I? Being a part of a larger community gave me a sense of belonging and identity. Now, I don’t even know what to call myself. Am I a Christian? I don’t like what I see in other Christians. If I am not a Christian, then what am I?
- What happened to my friends and family? After leaving Church, no one reached out to check on me. Did we have a real connection, or was it motivated by my attendance? Some of my family have abandoned me because I no longer attend the ‘family’ church. Why are relationships so hard?
- How can Christians be so unloving? The church leaders have told others that I have lost my way. Some say that I was never really a Christian, and others call me a heretic*. How can they so easily judge me and destroy my reputation?
- What do I do with my longing for the familiar and a sense of the sacred? Even though leaving was good, I still miss the routine, the order of service, the incense, and communion. I want to have a sense of comfort, nostalgia, and an understanding of the sacred again.
- What do I do with my pain and hurt? I hoped I would feel better when I put distance between myself and the Church, but I am still angry and hurt. What now?
The Wilderness is Common to Our Journey
The wilderness is incredibly challenging because most people struggle with multiple questions and doubts, not just one. Each person’s pain and doubt is unique to their journey, but the wilderness experience is something we share in common with each other. Most religions, spiritualities, and journey maps refer to the wilderness phase but use different names**.
- In mythology and Joseph Campbell’s work on the Hero’s Journey, the wilderness is the middle passage of initiation where we face trials, challenges, and our innermost cave of fear. The Hero’s Journey includes: The Departure — the Call to Adventure, The Initiation — Confronting the Trials and Challenges, and The Return — the Hero Returns with Stories and Gifts for Others.
- In indigenous spiritualities, it is the night phase in the cycle of day, night, and sunrise, when things seem the darkest, and it is hardest to see. It is also the fall/winter movement of the seasonal rhythms of summer, fall, winter, and spring when creation seemingly goes dormant and cold.
- In Christianity, it is the death phase of life, death, and resurrection. Death creates space for new beginnings and initiates new life.
- Some mystics refer to it as the second step of order, disorder, and reorder, where everything feels like chaos, and the chaos prepares the way for new creativity and expansion.
- Recently, it is popular to speak of one’s deconstruction, referring to the journey pattern of construction, deconstruction, and reconstruction, where we dismantle our beliefs and topple idols in our life.
There are other journey models, but all capture and express the wilderness’s nature and the journey’s ongoing cycle. They each describe the commonality of a space where we are lost, confronted with our doubts, and struggle to find the way forward. They each share how we may go through these stages many times in our life, some are more significant than others. When we find ourselves in the wilderness, we can take comfort from those who have gone before us. We can know that we are not alone, we are not crazy, and it does get better.
In the Heart of the Wilderness
When we are in the wilderness, life feels disorienting. We long to make sense of this place and our identity, but we struggle for clarity and understanding. We question our beliefs, and our ideas feel uncertain. The foundation of life feels like it is crumbling beneath our feet. We turn to practices and rituals to bring us strength, but they no longer provide comfort or peace. We may feel angry, scared, restless, or weary. Simply put, we have lost our way.
In the wilderness, we are also more aware of being disillusioned with ourselves, others, and God. It is a place where we encounter a God we thought we knew but no longer understand. We find our self saying, “I thought God would have… helped me, comforted me, provided for my needs, shown me the way, or healed my heart by now!” We also are faced with our disappointment in others, saying, “I can’t believe they… said that to me, didn’t call, didn’t change, don’t care.” But, mostly, we are disillusioned with ourselves. “Was I just crazy to believe in God, was prayer nonsense, and were all those years in Church a waste of time. Have I made this up in my head? I did not plan to be here, and I don’t know where to go. At this point, I thought I would have figured out more about life.”
Temptations in the Wilderness
Due to the hardness of the wilderness, we are tempted to write a victim’s story. It is natural to complain when we are lost and feeling pain, but we need to give attention to the narrative we are creating. The season may be difficult, but that does not mean that the universe is against us. If we fixate on disempowering questions, like “Why is life against me,” “What can’t I get a break,” or “Why me” it is easy to believe that nothing will ever change, and there is no chance of things getting better. Yes, horrible things may have happened, and healing will be a significant journey, but seasons change, and the wilderness is not forever.
However, those who have gone before us indicate that the wilderness season lasts longer than we hope or desire. The disorientation and disillusionment feel like death, and we want to be anywhere but here. We long for escape or, at least, distraction. We want immediate relief, so we focus on other areas of life to avoid the angst and anxiety of not knowing what to do. We attempt to stay busy to drown out the doubts in our hearts. And, if moving fast doesn’t work, we try to numb the pain through food, shopping, pleasure, or entertainment — whatever it takes to distract ourselves from the confusion.
Growing in the Wilderness
We seek to go around the wilderness, but the only way out is through this space. If we embrace this season, then we can grow through it and emerge transformed. There are treasures in the wilderness if we are open to its work in our life. But, if we are not careful, we may miss the gifts it offers. The wilderness is a place that will teach us about our self, strip us of false conceptions of God and Church, and uncover the hidden treasures in our souls. It feels like, looks like, and smells like death, like something to be avoided. However, death creates spaces and clears the way for new life and growth. It is letting go of what is not working and embracing new ways of living. Being lost in the wilderness helps us slow down, stop, and listen, increasing our ability to hear and see in new ways. As we listen, lies are unmasked, and vulnerability, authenticity, and truth can emerge. No matter how lost we feel, we can say, “The Divine is even in this!”
If you find yourself in the wilderness, remember you are not alone, you are not crazy, and it does get better. Each person’s journey is unique, but some approaches assist in navigating the wilderness. Consider incorporating these practices into your routine.
Be Kind to Your Self
Traveling in the wilderness can be exhausting. Be kind and extend a lot of grace to yourself. Embracing shame or condemning your current state is destructive and counterproductive. Saying things like, “I should be more mature,” “I should be further down the road,” “I should be able to handle all of this,” or “I should not be so tired” will not help, so stop “should-ing” on yourself. Please ensure that you are taking care of yourself.
Embrace Gratitude
It is easy to get closed in on ourselves and become negative in the face of pain and confusion. Gratitude becomes key for maintaining a healthy perspective. As we practice gratitude for small things, we hold onto the hope that it does get better. Are there places where you see glimpses of love or life bursting forth? If so, recognize those places and call them out.
Practice Empowered Listening
It is tempting to ask disempowering questions, like “Why me?” or “Why can’t I catch a break?” These questions may feel cathartic or soothing, but they provide little or no benefit in the journey. Empowering questions seek understanding, discernment, and connection with the Divine. The answers may not appear right away, and you may need to sit with them for some time but consider asking:
- What do I need right now? What is life-giving for me?
- Where do I see life, love, or goodness?
- What is stirring inside of me? What seeks to unfold in my life?
- If nothing changed about my current situation, what would need to emerge in me to experience peace?
- Is there anything I would need to let go of to live freely as my authentic self?
Affirm Your True Self and a Better Story
We are the creation of God and the image of the Infinite. Within us is the Divine waiting to be expressed through the uniqueness of our life. It is not just a little bit of the Spirit or a small piece of God. We didn’t receive 20% of God’s love or 10% of God’s goodness. The Spirit in us is ALL of the Divine. Within us is 100% of God’s strength, peace, love, grace, and goodness — all that God is, is in everyone.
The Spirit in us is the key to experiencing the fullness of life and revealing all God’s goodness. When we live from our authentic and true selves, we demonstrate God’s presence and bring heaven to earth for those around us.
What would happen if you believed that you are the treasure of God and that you are one with life, love, and all the abundance of the universe? What if you knew with all your heart that you are Divine, you possess 100% of the Infinite, and you are chosen to reveal the Spirit uniquely for the good of all creation?
What if you rest in this knowing each day and allow it to fill your thoughts? Regularly, you find silence and solitude to listen below the surface of life and hear your inner voice. Look for what seeks to emerge and unfold in your heart and give it expression through your thoughts and actions. What if you allowed the unimaginable and unseen to flow out of you? There is power when you trust your inner voice.
What if you not only listened deeply but took action upon what you heard? What if you sought ways to share your light with others, helping them see their identity and beauty? Imagine a place where you are free to be your true self, and those around you are liberated to share their gifts for the good of all creation. Imagine if each person lived as the Divine’s reflection — it would change the world!
Blessing for You
As you navigate the wilderness, it is normal to wrestle with doubt and fear. Know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, and it does get better. May you have immense inner strength as you listen to your life and lean into yourself. May you experience a sense of peace, see the goodness of life, and share God’s love for you. May you see the light in all people and reveal the light in you.
References:
*A heretic is a person holding an opinion at odds with what is generally accepted. (lexico.com)
- *Phases of the journey from The Wisdom Pattern by Richard Rohr
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