Thinking About Leaving Church? It’s Normal to Feel Lost
What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do
Questioning the Church
For many, the church provides a source of comfort for their faith and a connection with others. But what happens when the church is no longer working for you?
Beginning to question the church or its leaders often feels wrong or disrespectful. Many churches expect our trust and submission to their leadership as a representative of God. Some will say that challenging their position is sacrilegious and irreverent. So, it is natural to think, “Who am I to question or say something is wrong with the Church?” Also, it is easy to see everyone dressed in their nice clothes with smiling faces and think, “They must be okay with it, so what is wrong with me?”
Sadly, when some have dared to express their doubt and struggle, they are told that they have drifted from God, they need to pray more, or there must be some unforgiven sin in their life. This response sends the message that you are better off keeping your mouth shut, stuffing your feelings, and keeping up the appearance that everything is okay.
But everything is not okay. It could be that you have seen and experienced hypocrisy, abuse, or manipulation in the church. You have the wounds and know that church is not a safe place for you. Or you realize that you believe differently than your church or have different priorities. It could be that the church has changed, or maybe you have changed. No matter why, when you show up at church, you are left empty, disconnected, disillusioned, or angry.
God and Church are not the Same Things
The great news is that the church and God are not the same things. The church represents God’s grace, goodness, and love but often gets it wrong. And when it does, it is good to acknowledge it. Some of Jesus’ strongest rebukes (Matthew 23) were for religious leaders who blocked the path and kept others from experiencing spiritual life and freedom.
But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you shut up the Kingdom of Heaven against men; for you don’t enter in yourselves, neither do you allow those who are entering in to enter. — Jesus
Whether or not we attend a church, God longs for us to know peace, love, and life without shame and guilt. A life where we can understand our true and authentic self, created by God to reveal divine goodness in the service of all creation. God desires for us to live with great passion and experience the pleasure of being ourselves. We are to express our unique beauty, bringing forth all the dreams and treasures planted inside us. Through God, we can experience joy in the journey, experience deep love, and see others changed by our Spirit and presence.
If God and the Church are not the same things, then it is possible to leave the church and still experience God in the fullness of life. Leaving church does not mean abandoning God or spirituality. For some, it has been the opposite. Leaving the church has led to a more vibrant faith and a more profound experience of God.
Feeling Lost — Anywhere but Here
Discerning the next step to take with the church can be a difficult and painful decision. It is normal to feel confused and need time and space to listen to where your heart is leading. Thoughts of leaving the church can feel isolating and lonely. Going may mean rejection from family members, loss of friendships and community support, giving up a place to serve and use your talents, and it may even feel like losing your faith or connection with God. In short, it feels like being lost or like everything is falling apart.
I hate getting lost, the feeling of the unknown, and not knowing where to go. I also hate asking for directions, which leads to a bad combination. When I am lost, I try to dismiss the uneasiness and keep moving, hoping I will find my way. But ignoring when we are lost can add extra time to a road trip and additional pain in the faith journey.
Most of us don’t want to feel lost or spiritually empty, and we want a way out as quickly as possible. I focus on other areas of life to avoid the angst and anxiety of not knowing what to do. Or I keep myself busy attempting to get satisfaction from productivity, never slowing down enough to hear the cries and doubts in my heart. If moving fast doesn’t work, I try to numb the pain with ice cream, shopping, or endlessly scrolling social media. Whatever it takes to distract myself from feeling lost about church or God.
Even in This
It doesn’t feel like it but lost is a place on the journey. We may not be able to pinpoint it on a map, but it is there. There is value in being lost if we are open to what lostness does in our life. But, if we are not careful, we may miss the gift of being lost. Lost is a place that will teach us about our self, strip us of false conceptions of God and church, and uncover hidden treasures in our souls. It is letting go of what is not working and embracing new ways of living. Being lost helps us slow down, stop, and listen, increasing our ability to hear and see in new ways. As we listen, lies are unmasked, and vulnerability, authenticity, and truth can emerge. No matter how lost we feel, we can say, “This is all part of the journey. The Divine is even in this!”
Waiting and Listening
What if, instead of panicking, we take a breath, relax, and welcome lostness as an old friend. What if we begin to sit with our lostness and allow it to speak about church, God, and this new season? What if we didn’t distract ourselves with busyness or numbing our feelings but became more focused on being present to the moment and what may be stirring inside us? What if we remained open to the Spirit in us and continued to ask what God might have for us in this place?
It is scary and counter-intuitive. My survival instincts tell me to fear the dark and the unknown, but what if God is inviting us into the lostness to do a work in us that cannot happen in any other way? God often dismantles our illusions about the Spirit, the church, or the Bible. It feels like, looks like, and smells like death, like something to be avoided. However, death creates spaces and clears the way for new life and growth.
Feeling empty, disillusioned, or angry with the church is a place we can ignore or embrace. If we are looking to get away from the struggle, we might miss an opportunity to grow and experience a new freedom. Discernment and clarity may take longer than we want, but it does not last forever, and it does get better.
Blessing for You
No matter where you find yourself on the journey, remember that it is normal to question and doubt. Know that you are not alone, nor are you removed from God’s love. If you are struggling with leaving the church, whether you decide to stay or go, may you have immense inner strength as you lean into yourself, trusting yourself fully and sharing your uniqueness with others. May you know God and have a great sense of her presence, peace, and power moment-by-moment in every day. May you experience deep love, love for yourself, and life-changing love with others. And may you be fully alive, thriving in mind, body, and Spirit, experiencing great joy and fulfillment in life! May you always have the courage to follow boldly after your desires. And, as you do, may you see the light in all people and reveal the light in you. May you give your greatest gifts for the world’s greatest needs. And, may God’s blessing always be upon you!
What’s After Church (whatsafterchurch.com) supports those reimagining their faith and engaging spirituality, especially after leaving the church or organized religion. Sign up for updates on new articles and resources. Also, receive a free download with registration. Get it here.
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