Does God Want You to Leave Your Church?

What No One Tells You About God’s Will

10 min readFeb 15, 2021

Disclaimer: Before we get started, let me share a warning about this post. If you are being abused or hurt in any way by the church, then it is time to get out. If you are experiencing psychological, emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse from the church leaders or participants, it is time to find safety and healing. When I write about discerning whether to stay or leave the church, I am assuming the absence of abuse. If abuse is present, find a way to go.

What Should I Do?

Deciding whether or not to leave the church is often a painful, complex, and lonely decision. How does one choose the right thing to do or the next step they should take? When I worked for a church, I would often plan weekend conferences with guest speakers, personal reflection, relationship building, and breakout sessions. It was always interesting to see which breakout opportunities would get the largest attendance. If there was a class on knowing God’s will, it would often be the most popular.

I would wonder why there was so much interest in knowing God’s direction for life. Could it be something about our demographic or those in our church? Or, maybe it is the personality or concerns of those who love to attend conferences? As I talked with individuals about their journey and spoke with other pastors and counselors, there was a consistent theme: most everyone sincerely wants to know how to live their life, how to make a decision, and how to get it “right.”

What degree does God want me to pursue in college?
Is it God’s will for me to take this new job offer or stay with my existing company?
What is God’s will for my kids, and how should I parent them?
After my mother’s death, I feel lost. What does God want me to do?
Does God want me to stay with this person or end the relationship?
What is God’s will for how I spend this money?

Approaches to Knowing God’s Will

I have seen several strategies to answer these questions and find a quick process to discern “God’s will.”

Most personal gain: With this approach, the best option is the one with the most perceived benefit for my life. The rationale is that God loves me, wants the best for me, and is looking to bless me. If a decision increases my life, then God must be in it. However, this assumes that I can predict the future and what decision will benefit me. A decision may look good, but we find it disastrous when we experience the consequences.
What I want: Closely related to personal gain is choosing based on which option I want. Supporters of this approach like the verse that God will give you the desire of your heart (Psalm 37:4), so they encourage going with what you want. How many times have you wanted something to find afterward that it was harmful? What I desire often gets distorted by what I see others wanting or my attachment to comfort and pleasure.
The most sacrificial option: This approach is motivated by the Bible’s verses on giving up one’s life to follow God (Luke 9:23–25). If a decision significantly costs us, then it must please God. Therefore, personal sacrifice is the best option. Some decisions cost us, but this is a sadistic approach to seeking out the most painful opportunity.
What I don’t want: This is closely related to the sacrificial approach. I remember this one coming up in the youth group. Kids would think of something that they would hate and then say they would do it for God. “I don’t want to be a missionary in a foreign country, but if it is what God wants, then I will do it.” Or, “I don’t want to be single for life, but I will for God.” There was something heroic and appealing in our claims to indicate we were all-in, no matter the cost.
The list of pros and cons: Then there is the pros and cons list that many of us have made. We create two columns on a sheet of paper, and we try to categorize everything related to the decision. If the negatives outweigh the benefits, we avoid the decision, but we move forward if there are more perceived advantages. Like the “what I want” option, this assumes that we know all the outcomes of a decision.
The Bible lottery: This is when you take the Bible, ask God a question, and then open the Bible to a random page and point your finger at a verse to see what it reveals. This comes from the idea that God controls all things and will control where our finger lands. I had individuals tell me that this led them to the right decision, and many others tell me that it was fruitless or the wrong decision. I remember a pastor sharing a joke of someone using this method and the bizarre results. Someone asked God what they should do today, opened their Bible, and placed their finger on Exodus 4:25. The verse stated, “Then Zipporah took a flint, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet.” Startled by this passage, the individual decided to try again. This time it was Luke 10:37, which ends, “Go and do likewise.” Horrified, they opened the Bible one last time and came to John 13:27, which ends, “What you must do, do quickly.” Luckily, they did not follow through on the idea.

There is probably a little truth in each of these methods, but they are not complete in and of themselves. Following any one of these methods without wisdom will open us to blind spots, unhealthy attachments, and bad ideas.

What the Church Told Me About God’s Will

Growing up in church, I was taught in Sunday School Class that there were four methods for determining God’s will. I would find God’s will through the Bible, prayer, wise counsel, and circumstances. We can find direction in each of these, but these four do not address every scenario.

The Bible is useful when it speaks directly to a topic. For instance, if I am trying to decide whether or not to murder someone, then the Bible reminds me not to kill. But when choosing between two jobs with great bosses and organizations, the Bible does not explicitly address the issue. Many have sensed a sense of direction in prayer, but many do not. I love wise counsel and seek it often, but sometimes they are as clueless as me or what they would do is not the right fit for me. Yes, circumstance sometimes forces us into decisions, but if we only go off our circumstances, who would ever push through to more extraordinary things?

The Early Church and God’s Will

So if the Bible, prayer, wise counsel, and circumstance do not cover it, then what do we do? In the history of the early church, we find a couple of examples.

The apostle Paul was travel from village to village sharing the news of God’s love and wrote: “Now when I came to Troas for the Good News of Christ, and when a door was opened to me in the Lord, I had no relief for my spirit, because I didn’t find Titus, my brother, but taking my leave of them, I went out into Macedonia.” (2 Corinthians 2:12–13) The circumstances for his mission were right, but he had no relief in his Spirit. There was an uneasy feeling inside, and Paul decided to move on in his journey.

In another instance, the early church was deciding whether or not to include non-Jewish individuals and if they should follow Jewish customs. Up to this point, most of Jesus’ followers and those involved in the church were Jewish. When the decision was made to welcome them and not require Jewish traditions, the church leaders wrote and said: “For it seemed good to the Holy Spirit, and to us, to lay no greater burden on you…” (Acts 15:28) This time we see a peaceful feeling to move forward with the decision.

In both instances, it was the discernment of their feelings and what was stirring inside their Spirit that led them to God’s direction. In Jesus’ last teachings with his follower, he stated, “I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t bear them now. However when he, the Spirit of truth, has come, he will guide you into all truth, for he will not speak from himself; but whatever he hears, he will speak. He will declare to you things that are coming.” (John 16:12–13) After he is gone, he indicates that God’s Spirit will instruct them on what they need to know.

The Divine in Me

Picking up on this theme, the Apostle Paul often writes of “God in you” or being “God’s dwelling.” He states, “Don’t you know that you are a temple of God, and that God’s Spirit lives in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16)

The Apostle John similarly shared that it is God’s Spirit in us that teaches us how to live life and follow love. John writes, “As for you, the anointing you received from him [Jesus] remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit — just as it has taught you, remain in him.” (1 John 2:27)

Feelings — The Forbidden Fruit

If God’s Spirit is in me and communicates with my Spirit or God’s Spirit and my Spirit are the same things, how do I discern my Spirit? Simply put, I listen to my feelings. It turns out that the one thing church told me not to follow, my feelings, is the place where we discern the Spirit of God. Do we sometimes get it wrong, and can feelings be misleading? Yes, but this is the process of discernment. We grow in our ability to listen to Spirit when we lay aside our attachments to the outcome and listen to what is deep and most true within ourselves. When we reflect upon our interior movements and how we have experienced God, we understand how the Spirit works in our life.

Consolations and Desolation — St. Ignatius

Luckily, not all Christians have lived in fear of their feelings. St. Ignatius lived in the 16th century and co-founded a Catholic religious order called the Society of Jesus, also known as the Jesuits. The Jesuits have taught and written extensively about discernment, understanding our interior movement, and recognizing “consolations” and “desolations” in the journey.

Consolation is a state when we are moving towards God’s presence or a deep sense of goodness. We are opening ourselves to more of God’s grace and hope. When we experience the life and abundance of God, this is a consolation. These feelings lift our hearts and allow us to focus beyond ourselves and give a more profound sense of peace and internal freedom. There is a growing sense of wholeness, authenticity, and unity with self and God. It is a place that releases new energy and creativity and leads to loving ourselves and others well.

Desolation is a state when we are moving away from God’s presence or a sense that something is wrong. We begin to close ourselves to love and experience uneasiness, fear, and resistance. We turn in on ourselves and lose sight of others. It is a place that drains energy and leads us away from loving ourselves or others well.

Exercising Discernment (Listening to Your Feelings)

Like any skill, the practice of discernment is developed over time and requires intention. As you struggle with whether or not to leave the church, here are some ideas for moving forward.

Self-Care: Leaving a church, even for the best reasons, can be a challenging and draining decision. Please give yourself a lot of grace and ensure that you are taking care of yourself. Are you engaging in any habits or practices that are life-giving, calming, or energizing? If not, what is a small step you could take to invest in your well-being and refreshment? I find it easier to evaluate my heart’s interior movements when I am rested, calm, and experiencing gratitude in my life.
Gratitude: It is easy for me to get closed in on myself and become negative in the face of a hard decision. Gratitude becomes key for keeping a healthy and positive approach. As I practice gratitude, I am amazed at how my perspective changes and how I experience hope. No matter how hard the struggle, is there a place where you can find something you are grateful for and find a way to express it today?
Curiosity: Get curious about what God is up to and what may be stirring inside of you. Asking questions about the journey can lead to new insights. How have you sensed the Spirit’s movement in the past? Are there any themes around how you have grown in discernment? Are there any places in your life where you are experiencing consolations of God’s goodness and love? Are you experiencing desolations, the absence of God’s goodness, or the presence of resistance? Are there feelings that you have stuffed or ignored? What might they reveal to you? As you look back, how might the Divine been present in your day?
Listening: As you ask questions, take the time to listen. I find that I am more likely to listen when I slow down and give myself space. I need times for silence and solitude for the noise in my head and heart to settle, allowing me to hear below the surface of my busyness. What helps you slow down, see beyond the clutter of the day, and listen deeply to your heart?
Trust: We are often told not to trust our feelings or inner voice, but what if that is what you need to do? What would it look like to trust what is stirring in you, and how might you take action on what you hear?

As you continue the journey, may you experience more of what gives you life! May you be able to settle deep within yourself, eliminate the hurry and noise, and listen to what is authentically you. May you experience overwhelming gratitude that leads to life-giving joy. May you see glimpses of the Divine in your day. May you have a great sense of the Spirit’s leading and the boldness to take a step in that direction! And, may you see the light in all people and reveal the light in you!

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