The First Step in Leaving the Church
Learning to Say “Not This!”
Loyalty is Dangerous
When I find something valuable or helpful, I typically latch on and do not let go. Loyalty is an excellent virtue for marriage or raising kids. We should be committed and have sticking-power for the long haul, or the inevitable challenges of life will deter us. However, loyalty can be toxic, especially when it comes to faith and the spiritual journey.
During my sophomore year of college, I connected with a religious organization that encourages rigorous commitment to daily Bible study, memorizing verses, prayer, and mentoring. As I engaged in this community, I experienced personal growth and developed amazing friendships. This disciplined approach to spirituality was challenging and fulfilling.
Eventually, the structure stifled my energy and passion. What was once life-giving began draining the vitality out of my body. I didn’t realize I was in a new season, and my old habits and practices didn’t help. I had changed as a person, but my approach to self-care and spirituality had stayed the same. I was holding on tightly to the familiar and what once worked and getting nowhere.
Discerning the Changing Seasons
When I started seminary, I met a professor who shared his story of being in ministry, experiencing burnout, and finding new ways to engage in spirituality. As he shared how various practices brought new life to his current journey, I began to understand how different seasons call for different approaches. What worked in one season may not work in another. As life changes, we need the wisdom to understand our emerging needs. Through seminary, I found a more contemplative way of approaching spirituality and laid aside the regimen that I developed in college. My previous approach was not wrong, but it was no longer working, and I needed something new.
Engaging in new experiences required giving myself the freedom and permission to let go of the past and what previous mentors told me to do. I needed to experiment with new options and be willing to take what was working from one area and combine it with what worked in another area while throwing out all the things that didn’t help.
The same was true of my church experience. Being involved with the church was a good journey, especially in the early years. In part, I am who I am today because of the experiences and the people I journeyed with for many years through the church. However, there came the point when my experience of the church was not serving me well, and it was stifling my growth.
Not This!
I see an early milestone of discernment as the ability to say something is changing or stirring inside. It is the ability to recognize that things are not what they once were, and our desires are heading in a new direction. It is in no way a judgment on the past, but it understands that trajectory matters and is shifting.
During the transition phase, we need to permit ourselves to say, “I do not know what is next, but it is not this!” We required the step before, but it is no longer serving its full purpose. We now look towards a way for moving forward. The next step is not necessarily better; it is just the next step. We may be horrified by the person we were at a previous stage, but we must remember it was a part of our evolution to get us to today.
Celebrate the steps but do not hold tightly to them, for they are impermanent. We are continually changing, so we will be at each stage for only a moment, and then it will be gone. If we cling too tightly to a step or phase in our development, our progress is blocked. Instead of looking towards what new thing God may be doing in our soul, we begin looking back and holding onto the past.
When we demand that things stay the same it hinders the discernment process. We cannot control the outcome. We can only work with discernment and be open to the Spirit’s leading. As we are present to the process, allowing ourselves to embrace “not this,” the next step begins to materialize. At first, it is hazy and mysterious at best. Slowly we begin to make out edges, and then we see how it fits. We must be willing to risk and move forward, for we will often not see the second step until we take the first. It is a relationship of trust, risk, and courage that propels us forward in the journey.
Transcending and Including the Past
He said to them, “Therefore every teacher of the law who has become a disciple in the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of a house who brings out of his storeroom new treasures as well as old.” Matthew 13:52 (NIV)
One approach to faith or spiritual growth will not support your development for a lifetime. When you change, you will need additional support. A healthy evolution transcends and includes the previous stage. It consists of the best from the past while embracing a new and better reality. You do not need to abandon all that has gone before. Look for the value in your past journey and release what is holding you back. Take the best of what you currently have and combine it with the best of what is to come.
A wise person brings out new and helpful things, keeps the old that are still treasures, and discards the rest. There is no value in nostalgia when it comes to self-care.
- Is there a habit, activity, or practice that once served you well but no longer is helpful or life-giving?
- If you were to stop doing one thing, what would have the most significant impact on your life?
- If you were to add one thing, what would serve you well in this season?
What’s After Church (whatsafterchurch.com) supports those reimagining their faith and engaging spirituality, especially after leaving the church or organized religion. Sign up for updates on new articles and resources. Also, receive a free download with registration. Get it here.
