You Want to Go, so Why Haven’t You Left?
6 Excuses That Keep You From Leaving the Church
Have you come to the place where the church is no longer working for you, but you continue to attend and are left wondering what is holding you back from going? Even when you know something is not right or even harmful, it can be difficult and painful to take the first step. It is normal to feel confused and need time and space to sort out the feelings and emotions. It is also easy to make excuses to delay or avoid the pain of leaving. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it is easy to procrastinate by making excuses or convincing ourselves that we will go, just not now. If you are stuck and not leaving, you may be relying on these excuses.
Excuse #1: I Can Make This Work
I want to have it all, do it all, and be it all. I want to believe that I can
- keep everyone in my family happy
- please my friends and acquaintances
- know who I am and what I want
- be at deep peace in my life
- go to lots of events and never miss out
- know about every topic
- enjoy many hobbies
- make a lot of money
- be in peak physical condition
- and fully experience the Divine
I desire to live without limits! However, no matter how hard I try, life reminds me there are constraints. Life is limited by time, attention, and energy. There are always tradeoffs. By making one decision, I give up the ability to make other decisions.
One reason for not leaving is believing that you can make it all work without making a decision, setting limits, or creating boundaries. Maybe if you ignore the angst in your soul or the new passions stirring in your heart, then it will all work out okay. Perhaps you will eventually come back to the place where the church works for you, and you will not need to make a hard decision or say goodbye.
However, if church no longer works for you, trying to stuff this reality will cause more pain and anguish inside. Embracing your limits, acknowledging your needs, and taking action to care for your soul will eventually lead to freedom. As you give more of yourself to what matters to you and what you need, you will find renewed passion and energy for life. It doesn’t mean that taking action will not be painful and include challenging consequences, but it does get better.
Excuse #2: But the Church Needs Me!
Loyalty [ loi-uhl-tee ]
- the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
- faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.
Aristotle argued that virtue is achieved by “maintaining the Golden Mean.” The Golden Mean is the middle way between two extremes, avoiding the extreme of excess or deficiency. There is power in finding balance in our values. For example, courage taken to excess would be recklessness, but it would be cowardice in deficiency.
A deficiency of loyalty would resemble unfaithfulness, betrayal, infidelity, or dishonesty. We should avoid these characteristics in building healthy relationships. Commitment can be a good thing that holds a marriage or friendship together through the challenging seasons.
Have you heard the phrase, “loyal to a fault?” An excess of loyalty can become toxic. In unhealthy relationships, loyalty can be used for power and control, “If you are faithful and committed, then you will do this.” Loyalty taken to an extreme can destroy honesty, fairness, and justice. Loyalty can create blindness to reality and short-circuit good judgment allowing destructive issues and traits to go unchecked. When we become hyper-focused on a commitment or rigid in our loyalty, we begin to lose balance with other virtues.
An unhealthy sense of loyalty will support staying at a church way too long. At different times in my church employment, I began to question whether this was healthy and good for my family or if the season was changing and it was time to go. Simultaneously, I was involved with critical initiatives at the church, and I felt useful and essential. There were other times when the church was struggling, and it felt wrong to abandon the church and my co-workers when things were difficult. Nobody wants to be a quitter or leave a friend in a challenging circumstance.
A friend once said, “Don’t fix what God is breaking.” They shared how well-meaning people, especially Christians, who love to serve or have a savior complex, jump in to support someone struggling. But what if the person needs to come to the end of themself to begin the recovery process? By trying to save the person, we are only delaying the inevitable and keeping someone from hitting bottom and getting the help they need.
The same can be valid for a church. Out of loyalty, an individual stays to help the church but delays the church from going through its dismantling or healing process. Or maybe the individual is part of the problem and cannot see it but stays out of faithfulness. Perhaps the individual needs to leave so the church can make changes and others can have an opportunity to contribute their skills and talents.
I cannot tell you whether you need to leave, but I can tell you that you will block your discernment and clarity if you lead with loyalty. You must first become unattached to the outcome and how others may respond and then discern what the Spirit is stirring inside of you. Sometimes loyalty and faithfulness are not the right answer, but you can only know this for yourself. Permit yourself to be disloyal and unfaithful so that loyalty does not cloud the process of making the right decision.
Every person and situation is unique. There are times when it is hard, and we need to stay and fight. There are times when it is hard, and we need to go and let God do what God will do. There are times that we need great courage to stay when all circumstances point to leaving. Other times you will need great courage to go when everyone around you thinks you are a quitter.
Excuse #3: Where Else Will I Use My Skills and Talents?
Most churches continue to operate through the support of individuals who dedicate their time and talent each week. By allowing volunteers to contribute, the church has been a focal point in the community for non-professionals to practice, improve, and share their skills with others. When watching shows like The Voice or American Idol, I am surprised by the number of individuals who started singing in a church choir and playing an instrument in the church band.
If you share your gifts with others through the church, it is entirely understandable why you would hesitate to leave. If you attend an affluent church, it can be even more difficult to leave because where else will you get to practice with high-tech equipment, soundboards, lights, and cameras costing thousands of dollars?
It is a difficult decision. After leaving the church, you may struggle to find a place to serve. Still, there are growing communities for meeting others with similar interests and opportunities for sharing skills, especially online. It may take time and creativity, and it may mean building something new.
No matter what you decide, try to understand your motivation behind the decision and set your expectations accordingly. If you are staying for the music, you can lower your expectations of fulfilling your spiritual needs through the church. Or if you are leaving to feed your soul, then there may be renewed determination to find new ways of expressing your talent.
Excuse #4: I Can’t Afford to Leave.
If you work for the church and this is your only income, then leaving becomes more complicated. You may want to go, but you need to pay your bills. The question becomes how quickly you need to get out and your options for additional income.
Your personality and the condition of your soul will influence the time-frame for leaving. Some find that once they know something is incongruent for them, they must change or feel like they are betraying themselves. If staying feels soul-crushing, then are you willing to embrace possible financial setbacks? For others, financial stability is critical, and they can endure the stress of staying while they find their next job. If leaving feels unwise, then are you willing to embrace the internal drain of staying longer?
If finances are the issue, it is essential to make a plan for moving forward. Are there ways that you can reduce or eliminate current expenses? How might you find side jobs for extra money? Are there new skills or certifications that you need to obtain in your free time? What might be a six or twelve-month exit strategy?
Excuse #5: I Might Lose My Family and Friends.
As a pastor, I was often asked, “In attending this church (Protestant, non-denominational) am I dishonoring my parents who are Catholic (or Presbyterian, or Lutheran, or insert your favorite denomination)?” Every story is unique, but there were always similarities. They were making a change that signaled the crossing of an invisible line that someone they respect or love considers essential. It sounds like,
- My mother is Catholic and wants me to be Catholic.
- My grandfather is a Baptist preacher, and he is skeptical of this denomination.
- My extended family speaks poorly about the type of spiritual practice I enjoy here.
- The pastor at my old church does not approve of this place.
Maybe there is a relationship of significance in your life that is tied with a behavioral expectation that now conflicts with your next step. What do you do?
What if we took a step back and asked about their motivation in sharing their expectations? We could assume their desire is evil, or they want to make themselves look good, but what if we believe their intentions are good? Let’s imagine they want you to experience the fullness of life, live deeply within yourself, share the journey with others, experience the Divine, and give your best self to others. They may want this for you, and they believe that the best and only way is what they have experienced. This is normal, but it is short-sighted. They cannot see that they are different from you. What is meaningful and life-giving for them may be completely different from what gives you life.
If we acknowledge that we are all different, we need to recognize that the way each person experiences God will be different. Therefore, to engage in practices different from your family or friends is not an attack on what they believe but a recognition and celebration of your life and soul’s uniqueness.
A great way to honor your family’s desire for you to experience a life-giving connection with the Divine is to make your faith your own and live it to its fullest. If all you have is your family’s faith, then it can become an empty shell that does not reflect God in you.
Whether your family or friends mean well or not, do not let them keep you from taking your spiritual journey. If you ignore the stirring of your own heart and diminish your spiritual passion, you risk it going dormant. Hopefully, they will be able to see your love and accept your choice. But if they cannot, you have a difficult decision to make. Not to oversimplify a complicated choice, but you may find yourself resonating with pursuing family over faith or faith over the family. You may be saying one of two phrases:
- If I leave the church, my family or friends will disown me. I love them deeply, and they are the primary support and foundation of my life. If I stay in this church, then a piece of me will die, but the pain of losing my family and friends will crush me. I am willing to give up a vibrant faith this season because it is more important to stay connected to my family.
- If I stay in the church, I will lose who I am as a person, and my soul will die. I love my family and friends, but I cannot live with the thought of giving up on passionate living and the freedom to be me. I hope my choices will open doors of healthy dialogue and understanding with my family, but I know I cannot control their response. I will maintain good boundaries and share my life with them as long as they respect my decision. If they cut me off, it will be painful, but I must pursue my faith journey.
Neither choice is easy, but both are valid options. The challenge is knowing why you are making a choice. It is easier to move forward with courage and resolve when you understand the decision and the possible consequences.
Excuse #6: What If I Lose My Faith?
Some fear that leaving the church will mean the end of their faith. The great news is that the church and God are not the same things. The church represents God’s grace, goodness, and love but often gets it wrong. And when it does, it is good to acknowledge it. Some of Jesus’ strongest rebukes (Matthew 23) were for religious leaders who blocked the path and kept others from experiencing spiritual life and freedom.
But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Because you shut up the Kingdom of Heaven against men; for you don’t enter in yourselves, neither do you allow those who are entering in to enter. — Jesus
Whether or not we attend a church, God longs for us to know peace, love, and life without shame and guilt; a life where we can understand our true and authentic self, created by God to reveal divine goodness in the service of all creation. God desires for us to live with great passion and experience the pleasure of being ourselves. We are to express our unique beauty, bringing forth all the dreams and treasures planted inside us. Through God, we can experience joy in the journey, experience deep love, and see others changed by our Spirit and presence.
If God and the Church are not the same things, then it is possible to leave the church and still experience God in the fullness of life. Leaving church does not mean abandoning God or spirituality. For some, it has been the opposite. Leaving the church has led to a more vibrant faith and a more profound experience of God.
Give Yourself Grace!
Untangling the motives and excuses that keep you from leaving can take time. This list is not a complete list of all the reasons for wanting to leave but feeling stuck. Take time and ask yourself if other motives or excuses are keeping you from going. Give yourself a lot of grace and patience as you seek to understand what is stirring in you and deciding your next step. Trust that even in this, the Divine loves you and is working in your life!
May you live your life only the way you can. May you have great discernment to know the leading of your heart and the needs of your soul. May you be gentle and gracious with yourself as you explore unknown territory and find glimpses of hope. May you experience great love and supportive companions along the way. May you discover the depths of your soul and growing passion. May you live authentically and free to be your best self. May you bring forth the gifts and treasures placed in you by the Divine, and may you bless those around you.
What’s After Church (whatsafterchurch.com) supports those reimagining their faith and engaging spirituality, especially after leaving the church or organized religion. Sign up for updates on new articles and resources. Also, receive a free download with registration. Get it here.
